Welcome to our blog. I understand that this has been done before, but it's much better when you know that these are real stories, and have happened to your friends (or friends of friends). If you would like to share your unfortunate stories involving a Leroy of sorts, please please PLEASE email me at rfranken2@gmail.com
Claire has some of the most amazing stories that I've heard regarding her encounters with Leroys, including the greatest pickup line of all time (that I unfortunately overheard) "Hi. My name's Jason. I live in a closet and play the jazz flute. Do you want to make out?"
When we first moved to LA, I always dragged Brett to the grocery store with me. I don't have to worry about it now, in our new place, but get this. One night--and I mean ONE night--I went to the grocery store by myself. Brett couldn't be bothered to leave his room, he's a punkass, pick any reason. I went by myself. Not one, not two, but THREE weirdos singled me out in the 20 minutes I was there:
#1. Eighty years old, at least, had me help him find something on the shelf. Me, being the nice person I am, helped him, was polite--until he invited me back to his place while staring at my breasts. After a couple winks and horribly cheesy innuendos about helping him get into bed, I moved on with my shopping.
#2. A 600 lb late 20's man makes a comment to me about chocolate milk. We debate over soy chocolate milk, culminating in him inviting me to a music concert. Not just any concert--he and his friends are carpooling in a rented van to the middle of the Nevada desert for a 5 day music festival, and he happens to have an extra ticket if I'd like to come. Totally worth my while. He follows me for two more aisles before catching the hint that I don't want to hop into his rented van with 5 of his friends.
#3. During this entire trip, there has been a man who conveniently ends up in every aisle I'm in, until I lose the concert guy. He's dressed executive, I'd say he's in his early 40's. I head to the pet aisle to get food for Zooey*, when I see him talking to a store employee at the other end of the aisle. As soon as he notices me, he thanks her then heads towards me. I kid you not, he has a lean cuisine and a banana. And yet, he needed something in every aisle I've been in. He starts off by telling me how beautiful I am. As in, compliments every body part. Not kidding. Boobs, butt, everything. He then proceeds to tell me he's psychic, and that he wants to prove it. He starts by predicting I have a cat.
Just take a moment, let's see if you're impressed too: I'm standing in front of Iam's and Purina cat food, trying to decide which will make Zooey's farts less stinky.
He then guesses after looking at my clothing and tattoos, that Zooey's black. Awesome! This gives him a chance to closer inspect my wrist tattoo, and focus on the second line: carpe noctem. His words: "We could do the second line of your tattoo tonight." He asks me if I can dance. He says if I'd like lessons, he can give me private lessons (in fact, we can start as soon as we leave the store). He'd be happy to help me with my dancing, for free. I finally push him off me and my tattoo with the vague excuse of a boyfriend--this is when Evan comes in handy, so if I even need to call "the boyfriend" for proof, he exists. When I stupidly admit Evan's half a continent away, he comes right back to the tattoo. After a while, and some more comments about my beautiful smile, bewitching eyes and bangin' body and how we should "seize the night tonight," we head our separate ways. But oh wait! He comes back down the aisle, to tell me a secret before he leaves. And Rachel, I swear to GOD I did not know this line existed outside of complete farce--I really assumed everyone who used it or heard it took it as a complete joke. But not this guy. He takes my wrist and whispers into my ear: "I would have rocked your world."
He steps back, looking into my eyes as though this changes ANYTHING, and after I laugh, the horror that is my evening finally concludes.
And THAT, is why grocery stores are scary.
Submitted by Claire
